Jamie Dimon Still Yelling at Bitcoin While JP Morgan Cashes Blockchain Checks

Bitcoin and Jamie Dimon are the financial world's longest-running odd couple, a feud that’s less Ali-Frazier and more Tom chasing Jerry through a minefield of oversized anvils and Acme-brand insults. For years, Dimon has lobbed barbs at Bitcoin with the enthusiasm of a grumpy dad scolding TikTok trends. His latest grumble? A recycled favorite: “Bitcoin itself has no intrinsic value. It’s used heavily by sex traffickers, money launderers, ransomware.” Classic Jamie. This time, he even threw in a smoking analogy, saying people have the right to buy it but probably shouldn’t. 

Sure, Jamie.

Now, Bitcoin isn’t sentient (yet), so no hard feelings on its end, but one can’t help but imagine Dimon nursing a faint existential twinge. Bitcoin, currently hovering around $100,000, might be staring him down with a smirk, knowing full well it was trading for literal pennies back in 2008. Missed opportunities are a universal language, after all.

And while Dimon likes to keep his Bitcoin insults fresh-ish, JP Morgan itself has been cozying up to blockchain tech like a middle schooler reluctantly admitting they might like algebra. The bank’s blockchain division, once Onyx, now Kinexys (a rebrand that sounds suspiciously like it came from a failed tech startup’s name generator), has become a quiet juggernaut. The unit has pushed over $1.5 trillion in transactions, with volumes growing tenfold year-over-year.

JP Morgan also moonlights as an authorized participant for BlackRock’s spot Bitcoin ETF. So, while Jamie shakes his fist at Bitcoin, his bank is helping clients buy it. Hypocrisy? No, my friends, just good business.

Meanwhile, with President-elect Trump appointing Silicon Valley libertarian-turned-crypto cheerleader David Sacks as “AI and crypto czar,” the timing couldn’t be better. Dimon has always been a pragmatist, and this blockchain glow-up fits his playbook of pleasing clients first, personal feelings be damned.